My (patchy) Premier League 2010/2011 Season Preview:

Is England’s woeful display in South Africa still lingering at the back of your mind? Well let’s hope that the return of the Premier League will provide the perfect antidote to a wasted summer of yelling “4-5-1” at that Italian Postman Pat lookalike. Yes a decade-long influx of foreigners may have pushed our domestic league behind La Liga in terms of home-grown talent, but the intensity and passion of the English game still puts the Premier League in a league of its own. With only hours to go until the big kick off, you can’t help but feel the buzz. Besides I’d take the west-country charm of Ian Holloway over that Pep Guardiola fella any day of the week.

I’m gonna cut straight to the chase and say Manchester City will NOT live up to the hype. In Yaya Toure Citeh have brought in a world-class player who will have an immediate impact but many of their transfers come with a very expensive question mark. David Silva has been a huge hit in La Liga but he is also a player used to a lot of time on the ball, a luxury he can now wave goodbye too. I predict that Silva’s size will make it tough for him to adjust to the physicality of the English game and he could easily follow in the depressing footsteps of a certain Robinho. City still lack that natural leader their rivals seem to have in abundance (think Gerrard or Terry) and too many egos coupled with dressing room unrest over Mancini’s infamous training regime could prove explosive around December time. I do not doubt City have the creative quality to challenge for the title (rough diamond Balotelli alongside workhorse Tevez is a mouth-watering prospect) but you have to question their legitimacy. After all, why chase James Milner like a piece of gold when you already have Adam Johnson?  Mancini won’t last the season and a weak defence will make 4^th place the best case scenario.

As far as the title race is concerned the usual suspects will be there come May. I expect Manchester United to regain the title and for Scholesy & Giggsy to have more medals to take back to the retirement home. Hernandez will take some of the weight off Rooney’s shoulders and players like Nani and Evans will finally start to look the finished article.  United desperately need an attacking midfielder in the mould of a Paul Scholes and many fans believe Mesut Ozil is the answer after an impressive World Cup campaign for Germany. Even though chairman David Gill remains convinced of United’s ability to spend big, you get the feeling the Glazers are finally starting to restrict Fergie’s cash flow. Old’ Red Nose will be forced to stick with what he already has and although United’s central midfield will struggle (Fletchers fitness really is crucial) and Berbatov will continue to dissapoint - a healthy mix of youth and experience will prove too much for a samey Chelsea side come squeeky bum time.

 Carlo Ancelotti didn’t get enough praise for an incredible first season (better then Jose Mourniho’s first year) in the English game but Chelsea still need to freshen things up and the Stamford Bridge faithful can only hope that transfer rumours of Brazillian wonderkid Neymar have an element of truth behind them. Drogba and Lampard will do the business as usual but without Carvalho expect Chelsea to look vulnerable defensively for the first time in many years. Keeping Essien fit will prove imperative to any real Chelsea success and with this seasons Champions League final set to take place at Wembley don’t be suprised if the Premier League retention isnt Ancelotti or Ambramovich’s number one target.

Fabregas maybe staying put for another season but his heart is already in Barcelona. Expect a season long swan-song (reminiscent of the Ronaldo saga) before the Arsenal skipper jumps ship to Catalonia but also expect Fabregas to go out with a bang.  If Arsenal can keep injury free, third place will be a certainty and I believe this season will prove crucial in the development of Gibbs, Wiltshire and a underachieving Theo Walcott who has to take his head out of the tabloids and start to use it on the pitch. No this isn’t an Inception-esque dream sequence, you read correctly, 2010/2011 may finally see Arsenal put faith in some Englishmen! Although Wenger will once again miss out on the Premier League title he craves expect FA Cup glory to prevent a sixth trophyless season at The Emirates.

Finally I have to say Roy Hodgson is an inspired addition to Liverpool Football Club. The man’s vast European experience and shrewd tactics are just what Anfield has been missing after years of watching topsy-turvy Rafa Benitez substitute his best players at the crucial moment for the likes of Voronin. If Roy can keep hold of Mascherano – Poulsen isn’t fit to clean his boots – and can keep Torres & Stevie G fit, I expect a return to the top four. Yes the owners are inept and an air of cynicism has returned to the Kop but one thing you can never do is rule Liverpool out. Joe Cole is just what they need (a direct link to Gerrard thats been missing since Alonso left) and a man-to-man manager like Hodgson will lift individual performance levels of a squad over reliant on two players. But then again without the addition of a few more players (preferably a left-back and a centre forward) and a feuding pair of idiot owners, my predictions for Liverpool could just as easily go down the crapper.

To be honest I’m not cut out to write much more and the lure of winning the Champions League with Stockport County on Fifa10 (see the ridiculous picture on the left) is proving too much to handle, so I’m now gonna quickly round up my final standings… Sorry if I didn’t over-analyze your beloved team but thanks for reading and let’s hope we are in for another cracker from the most competitive league in the world.

Hobbsy’s Final Standings:

1.       Manchester United

2.       Chelsea

3.       Arsenal

4.       Liverpool

5.       Man City

6.       Spurs – Champions League fixtures on top of a challenging domestic schedule will prove too much for a defence reliant on crocks King and Woodgate but along the way expect good results against the big teams and watch Gareth Bale emerge as the key man.

7.       Everton – With Arteta and Cahill together from the off, Moyes’s men will mount a impressive campaign but without the spending power of their rivals they will just fall short of the top six.

8.       Aston Villa – Under Martin O’Neil anything felt possible for Villa but without him expect key players to feel unsettled (Young, Abonglahor) and Randy Lerner’s golf buddy Bob Bradley (reported new manager) to feel eclipsed by the Irishman’s shadow.  

9.       Fulham – Under Mark Hughes Fulham can expect a top ten finish, Craig Bellamy and for Zamora to finally establish himself on the international scene.

10.   Stoke – The hard graft of Tony Pulis’s men will finally pay off with a top ten finish largely thanks to a strong home record, violence and the arms of Rory Delap.  

11.   Sunderland – Many things have been expected of Steve Bruce since joining Sunderland but a top ten finish will still elude the Stadium of Light due to inconsistency and a bad disciplinary record.

12.   Birmingham – Second season syndrome will hit Alex McLeish’s men in the early part of the season but a late recovery spearheaded by Zigic and McFadden will see a respectable 12^th place finish.

13.   West Ham – Fresh from performing the miracle of putting a bankrupt Portsmouth into the FA Cup Final, Avram Grant will work wonders at Upton Park by building a team around Scott Parker which is once again capable of competing.

14.   Bolton – Martin Petrov was a massive coup by Coyle and the Reebok Stadium will once again start to look like the fortress of old but poor away form will limit any real progress.

15.    Wigan – Martinez has brought an enviable brand of attacking football to Wigan but once again incredibly patchy form will rear its ugly head.

16.   Blackburn – The Lancashire outfit will really struggle this term after a summer of non-movement in the transfer market but big things will come of Phil Jones and Allardyce’s tactical grit will just about prove enough.

17.   Newcastle – A welcome return for the loud Geordies will see them avoid relegation by the skin of their teeth with players like Nolan, Campbell and Guiterrez proving the difference.  

18.   Wolves – After a decent first season back in the Premiership under Mick Mccarthy, Wolves’s defensive frailties will be exposed and an over-reliance on Doyle’s goals will cost them dearly.

19.   West Brom - Roberto Di Matteo is a quality young manager but not enough signings will mean poor West Brom fans will face relegation back to the Championship yet again only to get promoted back to prem the next year, typical.

20.   Blackpool – Vuvuzela’s will be desperately used to put off the opposition at Bloomfield Road and Holloway will be the most quotable football league manager to make the step up since Neil Warnock, unfortunately there won’t be nearly enough experience or quality in his side.

“Pull ya finger out Dimitar!”

Sooooooooooo get ready to kick the missus off the TV, be prepared to go without food to pay for that new season ticket, anxiously await that first Titus Bramble fuck-up, enjoy using Howard Webb as a suitable outlet for the “C” word and brace yourselves for another eight months of glorious football related banter with the mates….  Welcome back you’ve been missed!

Bobby Charlton aside, this is the closest English football has ever come to replicating Zidane.

To put it simply, Zodiac is an example of classic film-making.

Tracking one man’s relentless gonzo-esque pursuit of the “Zodiac Killer” (do some wikipedia research if you don’t know the ins and outs of the case), David Fincher (Fight Club, Seven) directs a film with so much depth and intricacy, you consistently feel like you are a fly on the wall of various frantic detectives’ offices and news room meetings’ witnessing first-hand the chaos “The Zodiac Killer” would have had orchestrated . A serial killer who had sent cryptogram codes to the press to work out his identity, spoke of threats to the public on live television and a serial killer who had mocked the Police with letters containing valuable pieces of evidence (e.g. a piece of cloth containing the blood of a victim). A serial killer who was never fully convicted.

One scene in Zodiac takes a seemingly normal, casual meeting between two men and creates a raw suspense purely from the uncertainty of the human mind. A scene which creates a random sense of fear Hitchcock would have been proud of. Even simple tracking shots feel ambitious and the film effortlessly channels film noir through its accurate, era specific mise-en-scene and rich cinematography. I don’t want to give too much away but it is testament to the film’s success - a success at portraying one of the most uncertain serial killer investigations in American history - that at nearly three hours long, Zodiac still doesn’t feel long enough.

David Fincher is film-making. Arthur Leigh Allen was the ‘Zodiac Killer’. Well, probably.

With Wayne Rooney rightfully set to sweep up every domestic ‘Player of the Season’ award in existence, it makes you wonder…

When are the F.A. going to pull their fingers out and finally award Rory Delap’s arms with something. Arms capable of a throw more useful than Dimitar Berbatov’s Manchester United career.

Nirvana - On A Plain. Music without an expiry date…

Apparently Will Smith is favourite for the lead in any potential Obama biopic because Barack himself thinks they share the same ears. No doubt an Oliver Stone fifthteen years past his expiry date or a wheel chair ridden Clint Eastwood will be favourites to direct. Where’s Spike Lee when you need him?

Pfffffffffffffft…..

Denzel Washington never needed ears, he had Malcolm X’s soul.

Dave Chapelle’s “Sam Jackson Beer” Sketch. Comedy genius…

Dr. Dre and Jay-z in the studio supposedly recording the first single off Dre’s majorly anticipated third studio album ‘Detox’. The first single “Under Pressure” featuring Jay is expected to leak later this week. Datz if you still believe Detox is ever gonna come out.

Winchester University’s Vice Chancellor Joy Carter (pictured left) is one of the lowest paid university bosses in the country, according to a report published today in a national newspaper.

Professor Carter who is a chartered geologist, was appointed as the University’s Vice Chancellor in 2006. She earns £186,000 a year before tax according to the report. The Vice Chancellor also gets a pension as part of her employment package.

The report - published in The Guardian newspaper - shows that only around twenty universities in the UK have lower earning Vice Chancellors than the University Of Winchester.

Professor Carter pockets £3,000 a year more than the Vice Chancellor of Chichester University – often seen as a local rival – but less than her opposite number at Southampton Solent University who takes home a whacking £218,000 a year.

But the really eye-watering salaries are to be found at the older established universities in London and beyond. The highest paying university college is the London Business School which pays out £474,000 a year to its most senior manager.

Other than the Vice Chancellor, the University of Winchester has no other staff on more than £100,000 a year.

In comparison the University College London has 311 staff on more than £100,000 a year and Oxford University – which claims to be one of the best universities in the country - has 238. The report also suggests that around 80 heads of universities in the UK now earn more than the Prime Minister.

Joy Carter declined to give us a statement on the report.  

Think outside the box? You’re incapable
Grin and lie to cops, you’re insatiable
Quality over quantity, you fucking bore me
I’m an oddity with honour see you’re just a poor me
You lack the minerals, I attack with subliminal’s
At my pinnacle and you’re just miniscule
No need to ridicule when you can’t get lyrical
Rhythm is life, do you follow or lead?
My rhythms precise you’re just hollow and weak
If what I’m hearing is right, you just borrow from me
I’m fearing the night, will they get me in my sleep?
I’m peering at life, will they leave me in peace?
Success aint success if it doesn’t corrupt you
Stress isn’t stress if it doesn’t disrupt you
But mess isn’t mess if he doesn’t say fuck you
I love less and less, no one to look up too
With form, skill or substance, I hate stress
I’m torn by the pills, with reluctance I say yes….

In 1929, aspiring director Luis Buñuel and painter Salvador Dali collaborated on a 17 minute short that would change the face of cinema forever. Thankfully this re-issue serves as proof that their surrealist masterpiece is just as relevant more than 80 years later.

Traditional structural conventions were never a factor for Buñuel, as Un Chien Andalou moves from scene-to-scene completely disconnected from any type of narrative flow. Beginning, middle and end? Forget about it. Characters emerge out of thin air and their actions don’t appear to make any logical sense. This was the whole point.

Many cite the infamous ‘eye-ball scene’ as the most powerful moment and perhaps they have a point. In an unflinching close-up, a man (played by Buñuel himself) holds open a woman’s eye and proceeds to remove her eyeball with his blade. All the more shocking when you consider that the scene’s raw visuals eclipse any of the fear generated from Hollywood’s current crop of torture-porn nasties (Saw, Hostel).

To assess the plot is a mission in itself, as Buñuel and Dali intricately set out to create a film devoid of meaning. When a happy couple finally walk off into the sunset, a fade-out shot follows which incongruously captures their transformation into grotesque human-trees. Buñuel never was one for a happy ending.

*****

Ambitious and unique, Un Chien Andalou gave birth to Surrealism Cinema as we know it. Next time you watch a Lars Von Trier or Kaufman film, remember where they got it from.